Saturday, December 27, 2014

All the Ways We Hang Ourselves

Keeping this day as a pure and enforceable do-absolutely-nothing day, I just let the cravings and impulses roam amok, and...
there weren't any.

Played games all day on my phone in bed in the dark till my eyes hurt. And now I'm back on the screen.

My brain wasn't stopping though, not even for a second.

Caught myself  1) holding my breath  2) unconsciously tightening up all my upper torso muscles  3) making background mental lists of all the things I could/should be doing instead.

That meditation of not thinking of anything while not doing anything is still not something I have mastered, although I've done it for seconds at a time at various times, and it always did a world of good to me.  There's lots of things that may do me worlds of good, but the reason I don't just start doing them are numerous and complex.

Basic self-sabotage acts, some stemming from fear of change, general avoidance, and a realization of having reached a minimum level of comfort - i.e. not being hungry, worried about sheller etc.

DISCOMFORT plays a huge role in all of this.  Getting out of the warm blankies. Having to face my face another aging day.

Friends are moving away.  Relatives are few and far away.  Being alone is ultimately comforting.

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