Friday, May 29, 2009

This Week's Most Alarming Headlines

This Week’s Most Alarming Headlines

Nigerian banker appointed to head IMF

Astronauts on five-year Mars mission hit dangerous cloud of blue balls

Seeking street cred, Bush opens office in South Bronx

Genocide feared as Cambodian clans battle for doughnut customers

Drug war victims demonstrate in Sacramento; demand better drugs

Hysterical frenzy of terror and desperation sweeps city as cold front nears

Adopted Chinese girls receive KILL NOW signal

CIA reveals computer chips were implanted in children’s brains, won’t say when

Voodoo economics makes a comeback in Haiti

Carnival cruise attacked by jellyfish, sharks, pirates: ‘But at least there was no E. coli’

Cheney warns critics in media: ‘Don’t forget who’s running this country’

Meth cloud blankets Bakersfield after cops raid drug warehouse

Rash of levitating kids traced to LSD in candy bracelets

Porn star Anal Annie sues for age discrimination; wants to keep working until she’s 90

Mexican border violence spills over into Canada

N. Korean nuclear plant melts down, disappears into ground

Dozens of exotic new humanoids discovered near Chernobyl

Mexican officials furious over California cutbacks: ‘How are we supposed to educate our kids?’

Advanced apes seize control of secret research lab

Geraldo attempts to follow doomsday cult in trek across DMZ

Adderall superachievers announce plan to revise Bible, rule the universe

Price of stamps to increase hourly when no one’s looking

Courtesy of C. Ward

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

This Week's Most Hopeful Headlines

Clean energy flows through grid, bringing hope to millions

Farms, flowers spring up in former slums

Young idealists swear, ‘This time, things will turn out differently’

Renewed oceans brimming with fish, birds

Airlift rescues Africa’s starving children

U.N. to rule Jerusalem as ‘international city,’ open to all

Welcomed by classmates, misfit teens lose interest in drugs

New graduates find fulfilling jobs, won’t have to grovel and sell their souls

Former hookers find love and happiness at community center

Hit man finds honest work, discovers joy in growing tomatoes

Billionaires emerge from guarded compounds, share their wealth

Touched by act of kindness, elderly recluse decides to venture out

L.A. residents breathe freely; skies clear and blue once more

Night skies sparkle over Nevada

As crime fades into memory, children enjoy parks alone

Religious leaders throw out ‘dumb old books,’ move on

Witch doctors declared extinct

Back from the brink, coral reefs a riot of color

International borders dissolve in new era of trust, cooperation

City limits redrawn in way that makes sense

Homes, food plentiful as population shrinks

Songbirds fill trees in abandoned prisons

Spring rains melt away humanity’s past horrors

Courtesy of C. Ward

Friday, May 15, 2009

This Week's Most Alarming Headlines

Listening devices found in Chinese cellphones

Panicky swine flu patient runs into subway, touching every surface

Ratings leap as Fox News blames swine flu on illegal immigrants

Lots of tots getting shot in Watts

Home buyers invade Crown Heights; ad promised ‘urban oasis’

Madonna storms U.N. assembly, demands to be goodwill ambassador

Mysterious surge in ankelosing spondilitis worries local school officials

Cornficker worm spreading via pet doors

Achy joints? Could be flesh-eating disease

Satanic teens infiltrate Six Flags staff

Chinese spyware terrorizes Arizona retirement community

Pee-wee Herman to host ‘Celebrity Sex Crimes’ reality show

Splitting headache? Could be brain-eating zombies

Study shows people who ignore bad news are happier

Ignored by happy people, Africa’s refugees die abused and alone

New Age healers discover dozens of new ailments in Amazon

Mexican drug gangs impose metric system on U.S.

Research shows outdoor exercise doubles risk of violent death

Police powerless as mysterious beheadings continue

Wall Street panic ignites racist rape riots

Paid to remain quiet, Bush rakes in bounty in non-speaking fees

Menudo member exposed as 34-year-old midget

Courtesy of C. Ward

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Get Your Divortion Here!

My new line of business: pulverizing the constraints of forced and unplanned familyhood by providing both divorce and abortion at the same time - for a small fee, of course.

A family law buddy and my medical skills together as one for this convenient service can truly deliver salvation to the unfocused in a matter of minutes - okay, maybe a couple hours max.

Think of the new-found freedom for millions of oppressed and exploited damsels caught up in the avalanche that follows a few petty seconds of passion! Undo the chains of this miserable double-whammy that tends to sneak up on uncareful ladies in a blink of an eye.