This Week’s Most Alarming Headlines
Nigerian banker appointed to head IMF
Astronauts on five-year Mars mission hit dangerous cloud of blue balls
Seeking street cred, Bush opens office in South Bronx
Genocide feared as Cambodian clans battle for doughnut customers
Drug war victims demonstrate in Sacramento; demand better drugs
Hysterical frenzy of terror and desperation sweeps city as cold front nears
Adopted Chinese girls receive KILL NOW signal
CIA reveals computer chips were implanted in children’s brains, won’t say when
Voodoo economics makes a comeback in Haiti
Carnival cruise attacked by jellyfish, sharks, pirates: ‘But at least there was no E. coli’
Cheney warns critics in media: ‘Don’t forget who’s running this country’
Meth cloud blankets Bakersfield after cops raid drug warehouse
Rash of levitating kids traced to LSD in candy bracelets
Porn star Anal Annie sues for age discrimination; wants to keep working until she’s 90
Mexican border violence spills over into Canada
N. Korean nuclear plant melts down, disappears into ground
Dozens of exotic new humanoids discovered near Chernobyl
Mexican officials furious over California cutbacks: ‘How are we supposed to educate our kids?’
Advanced apes seize control of secret research lab
Geraldo attempts to follow doomsday cult in trek across DMZ
Adderall superachievers announce plan to revise Bible, rule the universe
Price of stamps to increase hourly when no one’s looking
Courtesy of C. Ward
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