This Week's Most Alarming Headlines

This Week’s Most Alarming Headlines



Nigerian banker appointed to head IMF



Astronauts on five-year Mars mission hit dangerous cloud of blue balls



Seeking street cred, Bush opens office in South Bronx



Genocide feared as Cambodian clans battle for doughnut customers



Drug war victims demonstrate in Sacramento; demand better drugs



Hysterical frenzy of terror and desperation sweeps city as cold front nears



Adopted Chinese girls receive KILL NOW signal



CIA reveals computer chips were implanted in children’s brains, won’t say when



Voodoo economics makes a comeback in Haiti



Carnival cruise attacked by jellyfish, sharks, pirates: ‘But at least there was no E. coli’



Cheney warns critics in media: ‘Don’t forget who’s running this country’



Meth cloud blankets Bakersfield after cops raid drug warehouse



Rash of levitating kids traced to LSD in candy bracelets



Porn star Anal Annie sues for age discrimination; wants to keep working until she’s 90



Mexican border violence spills over into Canada



N. Korean nuclear plant melts down, disappears into ground



Dozens of exotic new humanoids discovered near Chernobyl



Mexican officials furious over California cutbacks: ‘How are we supposed to educate our kids?’



Advanced apes seize control of secret research lab



Geraldo attempts to follow doomsday cult in trek across DMZ



Adderall superachievers announce plan to revise Bible, rule the universe



Price of stamps to increase hourly when no one’s looking


Courtesy of C. Ward

This Week's Most Hopeful Headlines

Clean energy flows through grid, bringing hope to millions


Farms, flowers spring up in former slums


Young idealists swear, ‘This time, things will turn out differently’


Renewed oceans brimming with fish, birds


Airlift rescues Africa’s starving children


U.N. to rule Jerusalem as ‘international city,’ open to all


Welcomed by classmates, misfit teens lose interest in drugs


New graduates find fulfilling jobs, won’t have to grovel and sell their souls


Former hookers find love and happiness at community center


Hit man finds honest work, discovers joy in growing tomatoes


Billionaires emerge from guarded compounds, share their wealth


Touched by act of kindness, elderly recluse decides to venture out


L.A. residents breathe freely; skies clear and blue once more


Night skies sparkle over Nevada


As crime fades into memory, children enjoy parks alone


Religious leaders throw out ‘dumb old books,’ move on


Witch doctors declared extinct


Back from the brink, coral reefs a riot of color


International borders dissolve in new era of trust, cooperation


City limits redrawn in way that makes sense


Homes, food plentiful as population shrinks


Songbirds fill trees in abandoned prisons


Spring rains melt away humanity’s past horrors

Courtesy of C. Ward

This Week's Most Alarming Headlines

Listening devices found in Chinese cellphones


Panicky swine flu patient runs into subway, touching every surface


Ratings leap as Fox News blames swine flu on illegal immigrants


Lots of tots getting shot in Watts


Home buyers invade Crown Heights; ad promised ‘urban oasis’


Madonna storms U.N. assembly, demands to be goodwill ambassador


Mysterious surge in ankelosing spondilitis worries local school officials


Cornficker worm spreading via pet doors


Achy joints? Could be flesh-eating disease


Satanic teens infiltrate Six Flags staff


Chinese spyware terrorizes Arizona retirement community


Pee-wee Herman to host ‘Celebrity Sex Crimes’ reality show


Splitting headache? Could be brain-eating zombies


Study shows people who ignore bad news are happier


Ignored by happy people, Africa’s refugees die abused and alone


New Age healers discover dozens of new ailments in Amazon


Mexican drug gangs impose metric system on U.S.


Research shows outdoor exercise doubles risk of violent death


Police powerless as mysterious beheadings continue


Wall Street panic ignites racist rape riots


Paid to remain quiet, Bush rakes in bounty in non-speaking fees


Menudo member exposed as 34-year-old midget


Courtesy of C. Ward

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