The Feel of Things Falling Apart

Waking up in the morning with body pain.

Why?

I don't know.

Is it all the sugar I eat?  Because I've already stopped eating wheat since seven years now.  And they promised that my joints would stop degenerating!

They lied.  Again.

So, now the infrequent exercising begins.  In the living room.

It's a brand new reality, the body changing.  Take it as it comes. Quit the day job. Feel the pain.  It leaves no stain.

Feminist Re-loaded: Fetish Business Cosplay

The belief was that if you had no need to wear high heels or any type of restrictive clothing, you could move freely about, without any excuses of being impeded in the movement of trying to get away from someone, or just running, and making practical carrying moves -- doing manual labor, that is.

Just like a guy would. He doesn't think twice about the dangers of doing errands or daily acts of physical activity because it's too difficult in the heels, or it will make his clothes dirty.  (Unless he's wearing some fancy suit, that is, and then I don't care about him anyway.)

So, having freed myself of this tired and impractical trope of the helpless girl who can't do all and everything on her own, I thought I'd carved and cleared myself the sure pathway to success.

After all, these clothes are just a bad joke, perpetrated upon women for the sole viewing pleasures of the business males:  I will never be paid enough to wear this cosplay  (even though I actually have given a think about exactly how much that enough might be. )  By wearing this gear, you are consenting to your domination by someone who is not restrained, and basically owns your ass, and wants you to look like that, and is also amused by the added difficulty to your job while doing it in that same amusement gear.

Looking back, I asked myself: Well, did this help in getting me the career of my choice?

Sadly -- I still don't know.

Murals off 6th Street in SF. Who's artwork is this?

Death and the Maiden

Halloween at (BLANK)green's. They have the best stuff.

THE ORIGINS OF ROCK N ROLL - (work in progress)

This music is derived from the mixing nordic cultures integrated with southern, african and middle eastern influences.  The collaborative nature of band units, with less emphasis on individual importance, can be considered asian in concept descent. Covering this huge geographic spread, it is no wonder it has become a global, international  music.

The most amazing stuff seems to automatically emerge from developing nations, which of course contribute their own characteristics in a virtual explosion of industrial energy, much as McLuhan had prophetically theorized in the late fifties.

In a more recent evolution of modern metal, south american death/gore metal bands embody the best in graphic and grotesque mayan-aztec ritualistic blood sacrifice esthetics, some of which can be detected in modern day mexican tabloid culture.  Leave it to the scandinavian black metal youth to add a stoic chill of permafrost-pervaded putrefaction, and coagulated blood turns to a color-drained black against the stark albino skin, hair and snow background of this environmental genetic funneling.

Its global popularity is also attributable to the reclaiming of the shamanic function of ancient tribal folk ritual music, which western culture had completely forsaken, in its appropriation of classical music designed for aristocratic indulgent consumption.  The development of electric amplification has helped re-adjust acoustic reach across the sheer numbers of modern industrial-sized mass audiences in dire need of tangible cathartic release.  Sounds at that tonality and volumes redefine the physicality of interaction with the human body.  Those levels are designed to open up by sound waves interstitial cell vibrations, also spawning new interaction scenarios of intimate physical contact with proximals.

And here's an inspired still of Jimmy Page from Led Zep's awesome concert at Royal Albert Hall in 1970. He looks like Michael Jackson!  But even more infantile.

What I Learned from Playing Bejeweled

Never lose track of the big picture.

Focus on what you're doing even when things get shaky.

There will always be someone better than you at this, but that doesn't mean much.

Pattern recognition is one of the most important guidelines in life. Having said that, speed is an incisive factor.

Sometimes just when you think you're about to fail, the game offers you an unexpected way out. You never completely know how the game is programmed.

The best way to execute a task is to get into the groove of it. That way it becomes easier.

When it becomes easy and automatic stay the course.

Sometimes, when in the groove of a task, do not over think your actions or it might impair the flow of things. It might be best to think about something else entirely, as a helpful distraction. This brain multitasking can be helpful in solving other problems at hand.
Also, negative thoughts will trump you and affect the game outcome.

You'll never know exactly what kids who play games addictively will turn into later in life. This kind of concentration and attention focusing could very well lead to development of constructive ideas and projects. But it also might not.

You can't sit for too many hours uninterrupted with this thing. It's really really really bad for you like that.

Today's Lists

THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL WORSE

1 - sitting at computer for hours without shifting position

2 - stand in awkward positions while skin picking

3 - turning on tv while eating

4 - turning on tv

5 - consuming extra sugar

6 - speaking to relatives

7 - conflicted relations conversation

8 - waking up without having moved around previous day: pain

9 - staying up late for something un-engaging

10- gossipping

11- whining

 THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

1 - picking up guitar and playing

2 - playing music on guitar, keyboard, drums, computer

3 - drawing, painting, graphic art, web design

4 - eating vegetables (except for nightshades)

5 - eating fish once a week, other meats infrequently

6 - my espresso elixir, no more than once a day

7 - going on walks in woods, mountain, beach

8 - stretching

9 - dancing, dressing up

10- driving a well-running vehicle

11- paying bills (because it means I can)

12- knowledge of having a safe place to sleep/go at night

12- scalding baths

13- non-scalding baths

14- massage

15- sex

16- selling things, services

17- finishing projects

18- starting projects

19- saying I love you to loved ones

20- fasting

21- making things

22- making lists

Is Camille Paglia the new Al Gore?

In recent interviews, as well as past ones, Paglia lays claim to having invented every thing from the expression "pro-sex" to the entire feminist backlash syndrome - FBS. She used to love Madonna, but now is repulsed by M's older body doing seemingly the same things she used to do -- dance and wear sexy clothes -- because she is now revealing her "sagging flesh". I must be the only gerontophile who's been enjoying seeing the nicely fit bodies of older female actors and artists, and haven't really found Madge especially saggy in her new videos. Some recent photographers have delighted in promoting particularly bad pics of her because most audiences delight in validating the Decrapitating Diva meme -- one of the great gay themes of our time. Who doesn't love the legend of the suffering of waning power, especially as Madge's later cosmetic surgery efforts try to maintain that fleeting look of fertility.

The Big Projectowski: To Kick Old Habits.

The more time passes, the harder it becomes, of course. People get used to stuff - and then it's all over. For the rest of their lives. There's a zeitgeist, when your reality changes just because it's going there already automatically; you didn't do anything peculiar to steer it that way. And then there's deliberately willed future reality, which you create by actively giving a vision flesh. Intervening in your present and acting on your environment by changing the form of objects: writing a story, narrative, concept, communication, playing a new song or making new sounds, recording, putting paint or ink on a surface, assembling objects together, manipulating substances into different forms, constructing an engine, jotting budget projections for a business, film, show. And then there's pure expression without further goal of reality, something which happens in time only once and remains in the past without immediate consequences or results. Acts we do every day without conscious intent to change the direction of any possible future longer term outcome. This may be stuff we do for instant gratification. This may or may not be part of the zeitgeist, or just reactionary living. Instant unplanned reactions to surrounding stimuli without inhibition.

I now have a sudden rash on both my forearms. Brand new allergy to blogging?

Day

Today was like I was describing to my friend Lars, similar to the time I took half a Zoloft for test anxiety: within one day I became enclosed in a bottle - with fluid in it, unable to hear, see nor feel clearly my surrounding world. I wondered who would want to feel that way, no matter how much anxiety they might want to conquer.

But more than that, it was like someone else's detached dream. Although it was generally pleasant lunching with my friend and strolling on a rare and unseasonably warm SF day, it was still someone else's day.

Then the magik happened: as we got in the normally extended ordering line at UNNAMED EXPENSIVE HIPSTER MICROBREW COFFEE - and not even the longest I've seen there - we were discussing what to get, and we finally settled on a mocha which we knew was so overpriced we would split it and consume it on site. The instant our decision was made the place fell silent for a mere fraction of a second - and the next loud words out of the barista boy's mouth were: WOULD ANYBODY LIKE A FREE MOCHA FOR HERE? lifting a cup into the air. The even weirder part - we were the only ones to raise our hand in a line of twelve people. I stepped out of the quiet line to the front to take it from him before he changed his mind, and drifted directly to a table where Lars and I sat in amazement for a second before having a taste to make sure this really happened.

It was definitely the real deal, the coveted Mocha from U.E.H.M.C. It wasn't flawed in production, tainted or defective in any way at all. Correct temperature, cocoa sweetness and froth consistency, not to mention the usually intricate foam decor.

The young people who frequent this place always stand in line very patiently. They turn to have conversations with their friends or other folks behind them with the knowledgable resignation that their sacrifice is a necessity which will ultimately yield the exquisite and exclusively appropriate cup of java.

We shared and terminated it with glee, and conversed over it for longer than I'd done in a while, taking up the tabled seating for an extended period of time.

1-800-HATEYOU

A phone line - texting number? - where you can call and spew all your nastiest hatred for someone/something which has been percolating inside your deepest recesses for the longest time.

Have no guilt! Just lay it on me, baby, for a mere $6.66 per call. This would relieve the most pent-up do-gooder liberals who have no such other un-PC outlet, unlike neo-cons who apparently know how to express themselves much more freely in this manner on a judgemental daily basis.

Do this before we adopt euro-like anti-hate-speech laws, as it looks like we are long overdue.

Undecided if some of the proceeds should go to some worthy cause somewhere else, considering my current placement as a good recipient.

Night Cuts

I keep waking up with cuts and scratches on my face - when I've slept alone.

Wondering what the story was...

Public Servants Don't Have a Safeword

People who vote for Prop B: Consider most SF public servants can't even afford to live in SF on their city pay, and frequently do jobs which are dangerous or really unpleasant for the sole public good, thankless and generally unrewarded, all to sew back the seams of a flawed and increasingly stressed out system. Lower level employees have already taken pay cuts, services have been getting slashed yearly and budgets cut drastically.

Private sector entities who get rich basically feeding off the general population don't have to deal with their own by-products: exploitation and despair, and use their money to distance themselves from where that happens. Public servants are the ones who pick up after this consumptive process, mainly to keep things running in some fashion.

Life and Decrapitation

Repetitive stress injury from working day after day. Thought I would be an observer through this, but got caught up in the routine druggedness of people with jobs, like The Man Who Fell to Earth.

This was never going to be the healthy choice, guess I felt privileged by thinking I would never fall for this establishmentarianistic trap. Never would I work full-time for anyone but MYSELF again, and any future money I'd make would go directly to my craft and skill, whether it was my latest short video, new guitar or launching/developing the ultimate psychosex site.

Where did all the good will go? or the ENERGY whatwithall?

The body: we all know it eventually breaks down. Living like it never will is in some kind of positive attitude self-help book all over the world, soon to be in every language, originating straight from our holier-than-thou californian coasts. So why would anyone want to waste even one precious moment doing with their body -- their only true possession (if not factually physically enslaved by some other entity) doing something they don't really want to do?

A-ha, there's the rub: Whether tis nobler for the heart to suffer the slings and arrows...
No, wait.

Tuesday. Seven pee-em.

Driving back home from work I saw people with very gray, sickly faces. Not just the first guy, who was crossing in front of SF General Hospital, but later another lady, several blocks past the hospital. She had baggy clothes, but not necessarily disheveled, and a nice haircut. Everything else about her was quite normal, except her face -- a grayish-green shade.

Now, I doubt they both had the same terminal illness at the same time. But now that I think about it, they also had the same malaise in expression, a very unhappy one, on the fringe of desperation.

At the moment of seeing the first person I also began realizing everyone was driving crazy, they had been doing that since I left work. This was Tuesday evening. Had everybody gone to happy hour and were now totally drunk going home? Had something suddenly happened in local/international news that I wasn't aware of yet? Was this a regular behavioral pattern of normal people on every Tuesday after work?

I'm either becoming less wise about humanity, or creating my own mystery thriller in my head out of pure boredom.

Camille Paglia - No Sex Please, We're Middle Class

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/27/opinion/27Paglia.html?src=me&ref=general

Amusing article. Smacks a bit of old fuddy-duddy bemusing the infamous "lack of eroticism" of modern media, and nostalgia the so-much-better bygone days when things were more prohibited.

"There’s no mystery left. "

Heard that before?



"...without an ounce of genuine eroticism. "

This quip about L. Gaga is not an insult at all. Her art transgresses the erotic norm, and you'd think Paglia would see that with in-your-face s&m dirty video imagery. I concur, that is not genuine eroticism, it's late century expressionism, like M. Manson and Nine Inch Nails.
It is so not what she's about.


Paglia even sounds chauvinistic, when as a spectator she wants women to be more erotic. I do agree that modern life de-sexualizes people for business purposes -- modern family can survive only in function of business (that's why they'll HAVE to let gays marry. It's practical business sense, although I don't believe marriage the way it's still set up like the middle ages makes any business sense either: obsolescent.) But if making a living in the real world means having to curtail a bit of your eroticism on the job site (!) then maybe you can lead a fulfilling career in some other field and then do or pay for your sexuality somewhere else intimately fulfilling, like guys do, and that might just be okay. Because you can.

In this following quote she's pretty much defining successful and ambitious women as reproductive ones. I have serious issues with that statement. There will be more and more women foregoing reproduction, you watch. Truth is, it's just not an essential/defining part of womanhood anymore. Sorry, just the way it is.

"Men must neuter themselves, while ambitious women postpone procreation".

But as women try to gain more life power -- as in jobs, cultural careers and options for life choices -- they can define their own kind of sexuality and eroticism. Hate pseudo-quoting Kissinger, but power is one of the best aphrodisiacs in my book, too.

A New Bio-directive

There's more than one reason older women are more attractive these days: not only because they've been taking better care of themselves, having less children, and generally living their lives in more fulfilling ways, but also because the biological focus has shifted more towards present group maintenance rather than future sustenance of the species as a whole.

As we near the visible end of the human adventure on earth, the identified "instincts" to propagate give way for more reasonable and practical instincts: how to live well the rest of the time we all have left.

The saying that males -- young and old -- are always on the lookout for the young, fertile females as an irrefutable, irresistible urge to carry their seed into the far future, may be shortfalling to a new reality of a species in precarious conditions of survival into that far away future. Chances are getting slimmer daily that even two generations from now they will be able to enjoy simple pleasures such as non-toxic shellfish, or un-synthesized meat or natural plant and fruit products. Bladerunner comes to mind, with a now more plausible scenario of most animals being extinct, and a huge market for animatronics and synthesized hyperrealistic creatures, used in everything from pet needs to natural photoshoots for visual illusion.

In biology, animal species tend to propagate in different patterns mostly according to their environment. In a high risk, dangerous habitat species reproduce in quick, large quantities, flooding the environs with as many offspring as fast as possible in the short time of parental life they may have left.

Seeing how we -- and I'm primarily talking about middle class western societies -- have created a more comfortable environment for ourselves, with most people working with an option for windfall for future needs -- savings plans, 401Ks, the need to reproduce no longer serves our environment. Although we are still in need for a young workforce to maintain the older crowd (which is getting older by the minute as baby boomers age) it is no longer true that having more kids is more profitable or even convenient. Women in these countries are in fact discovering that having any kids is not only quite unprofitable, but downright inconvenient to the simple goal of having a happy life.

Both Italy and Japan have continued to hold world records in negative population growth in the last ten years. Despite minor differences between these two countries, within the same socio-economic status child-bearing women have largely stopped having kids. Women's lives have simply been made more difficult by having children, apparently at all socioeconomic levels, so women have finally stopped and taken note. Females are not moving out of their parents' house, not getting married or just choosing to not spawn even when partnered. It's simply too much trouble -- and not enough reward. There is the highest level of single female headed households in the world now than ever before, and a higher number of physically self-sufficient women than ever before.

In this present-tense scenario, people look to sex more for bonding and entertainment purposes, and for raising the quality of life. The whole esthetic of bio-fertility of younger women being more attactive no longer makes sense, and it's resulting in males opting for older women rather than young ones as a more attractive choice. I don't believe that these are conscious choices, but most talk about children as a major motivator for relationships no longer holds true nowadays, for the vast majority.

Social Networking

Yesterday people at my job were wishing me happy birthday all day. It wasn't my birthday. Then I realized... it was my facebook birthday.

These colleagues were people I had not friended on facebook, either, except for one. And after that first person said it to me -- and I thought he'd know me better to remember my real birthday, since he had been invited to the party some two years before -- I just stopped telling the rest that it wasn't my real birthday after all. I just gave up, and took all the new birthday wishes in stride, kind of rejoicing to have a brand new birthday, the second one this year.

I don't feel comfortable exposing true personal identity data on any of these sites, and I've been on them since friendster pre-history. It always shocks me how much intimate information people post on this thing, and not surprised when it bites them in the ass.

It made me realize exactly just how powerful facebook has become. It just creates whole new realities for people, pushing their real-life events to a questionable back file in their brain.

Upon signing in to fb of course I had a slew of birthday wall posts, and they also included several other people who had been at my IRL birthday party previously.

I thanked them all profusely.

A Peek into Charleton Heston's Basement

No wonder he was the head of the NRA. Or was it that he had this fetish because he was the head of the NRA...? Chicken or egg thing, I guess.

Click on each pic to enlarge.

BEST BLACK-DEATH-GORE METAL BAND NAMES

1000 Funerals, Abattoir, Abhorred Existence, Abominator, Abortarium, Absolute Hatred, Accept Death, Acheron, Acid Bath, Amoebic Dysentery, Apiary, Asphyx, Atheist, Atrocious Abnormality, Atrocious Abnormality, Atrocity, Atrosis, Autopsy, Behemoth, Belphegor, Benediction, Blasphemic Cruelty, Bolt Thrower, Brejn Dedd, Brutal Devastation, Bukkake Tsunami, Cadaver, Cancer, Cannibal Corpse, Carcass, Cardiac Arrest, Carnage, Carnage Asada, Cattle Decapitation, Cemetery Rapist, Cephalic Carnage, Cephalotripsy, Convulsus, Corpse Cum, Corpse Dismemberment, Cuntworm, Darkthrone, Death, Decapitated, Decrypt, Deicide, Desultory, Deterioration, Dethroned, Devourment, Digested Flesh, Disgorge, Disincarnate, Dismember, Divine Pustulence, Dying Fetus, Edge of Sanity, Electro Toilet Syndrom, Entombed, Excruciation, Execration, Fecal Corpse, Foetopsy, Genocaust, Gorefest, Gorguts, Grave, Grotesque, Gut, Guttural Secrete, Guttural Secrete, Hail of Bullets, Hate Eternal, Horde Casket, I Shit on Your Face, Immolation, Impetigo, Incision, Incubus, Infestdead, Inhuman Dissillency, Jungle Rot, Kataklysm, Katatonia, Katatonia, Krisiun, Kuntle, Lapidate, Lividity, Loudblast, Maceration, Malevolent Creation, Massacra, Massacre, Masticate, Merciless, Monstrosity, Morbid Angel, Morgoth, Mortal Decay, Nailed Shut, Napalm Death, Necrophagist, Nekros, Nihilist, Nile, Nocturnus, Obeisance, Obituary, Opeth, Orchiotomy, Pestilence, Pollution, Possessed, Pungent Stench, Purulent Jacuzzi, Putrid Pile, Ribspreader, Rottenness, Sadus, Sarcophagus, Sceptrum Mortiferum, Screaming Afterbirth, Septic Devourment, Sepultura, Severed Savior, Skinned, Slaughter, Slayer, Spermswamp, Splatterwhore, Stab Wounds, Suffocation, Syphilic Gitrot, Therion, Torture Division, Unanimated, Unearthed Corpse, Unleashed, Vader, Viral Load, Vital Remains, Vital Remains, Wounded Knee

Next week: care to add to this list?

Bukkake Tsunami... that one gets some prize.

Please send me all the best names you can find to add to the collection. Fanks!

Impaled Nazarene - tx to Crazy Frank